If you only knew...

Today has been an end to a REALLY long week.  I feel like a hypocrite calling this blog about deliciousness since I feel a vomit of anti-deliciousness complaining coming up.  Thank goodness for wine.  Hahaha. Actually I want to contain the stress and complaints of the daily grind and put that behind me for a bit.  I feel good sitting in our pub bar just chilling by myself.  I was originally supposed to hang out with a girlfriend to catch up but life got the better of us.  So I'm just a loner tonight.  Which actually I don't mind after greeting 60 people today.  Yeppers.  That's right - on average I see anywhere from 50-60 people a day during my average work day.  Interacting with them.  Finding out about their lives.  What it is that concerns them.  They listen to me.  They come to me for advise.  For a second opinion.  For answers.  They come looking for hope for conditions that affect how they value themselves.  I do my best to help them.  I ask God for guidance each day on my way to work so that I can give my best to these people that come to me looking for answers.  It makes me feel good.  It makes me feel grateful for having been given this gift.  For giving me the opportunity to do what I love doing.  For the blessing.  I somehow feel that this is one aspect of my life that God will abundantly bless and guide us for the rest of our lives.  Not that I don't feel that God is blessing our lives otherwise but when you've done through such personal trial and tribulation, I find comfort in the fact that God seems to be swooping down and making a success of our professional dream.  I feel confident that this is exactly where I am supposed to be at this time shaping my life and the life of others.  It is just like Oprah said.  Yeah, yeah that's right, I brought up Oprah.  I did bring up the most influential woman in the world.  And yes!  She acknowledged Jesus as her saving grace.  For guiding her in prayer.  I felt proud to be a Chrisitian when she gave credit to Jesus. 

Anyways, before someone calls me a religious freak, one last thing about Oprah.  I did learn from her is that compassion is an essential component of forming relationships.  So I try not to come from a hoity-doity place as I talk to the people that come to see me.  I want to provide information and for us to make decisions together.  I judge not.  Who am I to judge?  Also, don't really have any place being "hoity doity" - I come from a family where my parents didn't go to college and I grew up living in a bedroom with my mom and my brother.  That's right, we rented ONE room in an apartment.  It was quite cozy to say the least.  So yeah, I don't come from a place of power, success, or money - just survival and an idea to chase after a dream.

It's interesting because I used to say that I was the epitiome of an "American Dream" - whatever the heck that means.  I would say I came from an immigrant family that had no education, and I was the first one to pursue higher education and to "make something" of myself.  I prided myself in self-sustandence.  The ability to adapt.  The fact that I could still be standing here calling myself a semi-success after all the years of moving (actually 17 times to be exact before the age of 18) around and to persevere after my mother passed away the summer before my senior year in college.  And still getting into the most prestigious graduate medical educational program.

But in reality, I don't know if I really feel like a success.  In reality, after I met with my therapist I realized what a mess I really am.  I thought I was strong, adaptable, resilient - which may still be true to a certain extent  but apparently I haven't dealt with any losses in my life.  LOSSES??!  What the F?? Wow, that's pretty deep.  Losses.  That is definitely anti-deliciousness.  Eeeek.  Why did I even name my blog deliciousness when all I talk about is the hardships that I have or am going through.  Well, I suppose it is all part of the process.  Sigh.  That's what I would like to believe anyways. 

Well, if it's any consolation, this wine is quite delicious.  Chasing the deliciousness with my drink right now....

It seems more anti-deliciousness is coming your way...

So what am I talking about?

What do I mean? I'm asking myself that exact question. So I have a "cool" sounding name of a blog and potential book title. Ha! At least it sounds cool to me but this may be up for debate and I also may be a bit delusional about a book. But anyhow back to deliciousness. I specifically chose that word because of my love for good food but does it mean anything besides tasty food?? The first thing I did to get information on this word was to Google it. It said something about some yuppies or hippies in San Francisco creating this word. Seriously. Well, I certainly wasn't too satisfied with that. So I looked up deliciousness on the internet dictionary. Well, apparently there really isn't a real definition for the word. It's explained as a noun to the adjective Delicious. So the best I could get was A)something pleasing to the senses and B) something very delightful.

Pleasing to senses and Very delightful. Not bad. Not too shabby. Pleasing to the Sight, Hearing, Taste, Smell, and Touch.

Just plain true Beauty is the way I interpret that. It's like the first time I saw breathtaking Paris. The first time I heard a Bach concerto. The first time I had a chocolate pecan pie at Frontera Grill. The first time I smelled lilacs when my husband then boyfriend asked me if it was okay to hold my hand. The first time when I touched my babies' feet - so soft and delicious.

True delightfulness.
Running after beauty that would delight my life.
Chasing it.
Trying to capture it despite all obstacles in my way.
Chase the deliciousness of my life.
I think I get it. I get the motto. I get the vision.

Old Country Road

"Take me home...to the place I belong..country road..."

I am listening to this John Denver lyrics LOT lately. It is my son's favorite song these days. He knows how to maneuver the U-Tube app on the iPad and find this song. So amazing given his disability. He has a big grin on his face as he is listening and watching the video. Even though I don't know what he is thinking, it makes me happy that he is so happy listening to the song. I've gotten accustomed to humming a long to the tunes and to tell you the truth I'm starting to really like the song. The lyrics are even getting to me a bit and even makes me a bit teary at times. I know, really puzzling and stupid right? As much as I like to "bury" my feelings and neatly assign them in a "box" for me to deal at a later time, it overflows these days lately and I can't seem to contain them like I used to be able to do.

I listened to a sermon a while back at church that was about paradise. Heaven. The afterlife. The everlasting belief in my faith that this world is only the beginning to a promised life that awaits me. A place where there is no more pain, no more tears, no more broken hearts, no more genetic syndrome, no more autism. A place that I would be able to speak to my son. A place where we would have the relationship that I always envisioned us to have. A place where my boy would be whole.

So if I had to take a wild guess why I get teary eyed with this John Denver song (by the way, I didn't even know who John Denver really was until my son!) it would be that I want to go to the place that I BELONG that I would be able to restt. Maybe that sounds really cheesy and goofy but this is the way my brain is working these days...the emotional cup overflowth.

Finally!

Finally I have decided to start on my way to writing my book. I have a title. "Chase the Deliciousness." That's all I have for now. A bit daunting really having an ambition to write a book when all I have is the title. Better get cracking! I came to this title in a family gathering, our "Sunday dinner" that we used to have when I was healthy. I think the conversation was about our motto in life. I think. It's a bit blurry back then. Chase the deliciousness came to my mind. I have always been a foodie, loving anything tasty coming my way. But I'm not a foodie in the snobby-critiquing-critizing way. I just love yummy food. And I thought "What a way to live your life..."